Yup, you guessed it, it’s 4:00 o’clock in the morning of another medically induced insomniac experience, and I’m pondering once again; this time the last year of what has seemed like Life: Unscripted, life on hold, life stalled, life constrained by physical limits, life lived fearfully rather than joyfully. And finally, it’s time to get on with life joyfully, more scripted, or at least intentionally. I can do this!
For the last year I’ve let medical issues dictate my activities, admittedly of necessity, to limit some serious risks. First, incurable blood cancer and the need to get it under control. Then coronary artery disease with serious blockages in two of four main arteries and branches, and the risk of a heart attack. And gradual progression of diabetes to a less manageable state due to the impact of the cancer treatment. But really the fear of a heart attack before I could get the CAD treated was the driving force that kept me from, what’s the new term, living my best life for most of last year.
Fortunately I was able to shake off that fear periodically to have some fun with the family at The Train Heist Adventure (an escape room experience) in Fort Worth, in Houston at the NASA Space Center and Apollo Control Room, and during a pleasant midday visit to Galveston Beach. We also surprised our granddaughter with a visit to Texas in September for her birthday and welcomed the whole family home for two weeks of Christmas!
So maybe fear didn’t get the best of me for the whole year. But it’s taken nine months to get to a point with my cancer treatment regimen where I could back it off a bit, finally schedule and complete the necessary procedures to reopen my blocked coronary arteries and allow me to feel I could more successfully deal with the physical aspects of life.
Patience has really been necessary, and that’s a virtue I personally feel I’m not well stocked with (although others may disagree), especially when it comes to waiting for scheduled medical treatments and procedures to be performed. But this week the last of my arterial blockages finally has been corrected, my aggressive treatment regimen for my cancer has ramped up once again, and I’m starting to attack the diabetes management challenge brought on by my cancer treatment. Here in the dead of winter in Michigan and facing an actual winter storm with 10-14 inches of snow in the next twenty-four hours, it is strange to feel that “spring” is coming, that I’m able to get on with life. Released from the fear of a heart attack, and now feeling much better physically, I don’t feel my life is so severely constrained by physical limitations. And I’m realizing just how much it was.
It’s so easy to get bogged down with what you can’t do, instead of being inspired by what you still can do, and unfortunately I let the former happen. I let fear control how I lived the past year instead of letting faith, hope, and love win. I guess I’ve kind of alluded to this in some recent posts, but it really hit home last night as I finally returned to Jerry’s home (my late model railroading friend), after a six week break for illness and surgery, to help our little band continue the process of removing Jerry’s model railroad so his daughter could finish settling his estate. As we were finishing up I was able to listen to her share about some serious medical issues she was facing and let her know that we were there for her, that she could lean on us. That little bit of time spent with her helped prompt my pondering about specifically how I had gotten to my sense of living life unscripted, and the realization that it didn’t need to be that way if I had just opted to do as I had proposed in my post about The Main Thing, nothing like a little Monday morning quarterbacking, eh?
So here I am kicking myself for not figuring this out way sooner, letting fear keep me from doing things I should have done, but, by making a tiny bit of a difference for my friend’s daughter, beginning this next passage, one of …
Getting on with life – Pops